Alcohol turned me into a whole different being—Jack B. Longhorn. It was my biggest demon. I started drinking whiskey around age 11, and after 25 years of heavy use and abuse, I was finally able to put it down. No withdrawals, but I left behind a wake of destruction and lost time.

Marijuana (cannabis) is my drug of choice. It provides relief without many of the side effects that come with other medications. Instead, I’m forced to rely on opioids and a myriad of other prescriptions to manage chronic pain—pain that has led to surgery after surgery. The problem? It stays detectable in my system, and because I’m always under some form of supervision, using it comes with severe consequences. But out of everything, it’s the only drug that hasn’t skewed my values.

Amphetamines, specifically meth, are my current problem. They have been for a while. I find it hard to put them down. I never became the stereotypical “meth monster”—my teeth are intact, I never had skin issues, and I avoided many of the outward signs of use that afflict so many others. Why? I don’t know. But there were times I used more than I should have—if I ever should have used at all. This drug allows me to function in ways I wouldn’t be able to otherwise because of my bone disorder. Accepting that reality is not easy.

When I think about it, it makes me speculate. Meth brings out the worst parts of me—it overrides my rationality at times. Plus, it’s illegal, and it has robbed me of precious time with my family. It is not good. It should be avoided. I have to accept my limitations and make the most of whatever time I have left—because life is only beautiful when it’s shared with the ones you love.

Recovery begins at the exact moment you are completely broken—when you surrender to unfamiliar and uncomfortable ways in order to be rebuilt into who you were meant to be.